Farmer’s Fate Abstinence prevents minivans

Published 12:09 pm Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Everyone learned basic math in high school, but I think somewhere between math and health, students should have been taught that 1+1=5 and a minivan!

One of my college friends is currently looking to trade in his man card for the dreaded, yet fuel efficient, minivan. He and his wife were making a list of all the pros and cons, and somehow hands-free sliding doors and a built-in vacuum cleaner seemed to outweigh a five-speed and a lift kit.

I have to admit that there was one time we also drove a minivan. It was a few years ago in Florida. We had just come back from the Caribbean, and there was a mistake at the car rental agency. The only thing they had available was “a lovely maroon mini” — and, unfortunately for us, he didn’t mean “Cooper.”

My husband grumbled, but what were we to do? It did easily accommodate our luggage, and it had enough cup holders to appease a thirsty octopus. And enough storage to lose all manner of trinkets.

But driving through the Florida Keys in a minivan — even with the windows down — wasn’t quite the experience we’d had before as we breezed through the Sunshine State with the T-tops out of our Trans Am.

It got us where we needed to go. We just felt like we needed a bumper sticker that said, “We used to be cool!”

The best part about that minivan was taking it back at the end of the vacation. After all, what happens in Florida, stays in Florida — and really how many cup holders does one need? You can only drink one drink at a time.

Not too long ago, after the arrival of their second baby, one of my husband’s friends, Ty, surrendered his muscle car for the more sensible family van. One afternoon, we had popped in to visit, and he was trying hard to convince us just how cool the decision was. He showed us the wi-fi option, and the folding DVD screens for each kid, night lights under the chairs and a back door that opens and closes with the push of a button. And on that self-closing back window was a family of stick figures — thoughtful to let others know you’re a family man, since driving a hot minivan often gives off the impression of being wild and single.

“It drives so nice, and there is so much room,” Ty kept repeating. “And the gas mileage is great!”

“Well, it definitely looks as if you’ve got yourself a good dependable vehicle,” my husband agreed.

“Yeah, I just can’t believe all the features they put in these things. It’s pretty cool,” he gushed.

Ty continued extolling the virtues of the all-amazing mini. It had both AC and DC plugs, it had park assist, the chairs were extra wide, etc.

While our husbands continued talking minivan features, his wife and I had decided on dinner plans, but we found ourselves short a few ingredients.

“Hey, Ty, can you guys run to the store and grab some lettuce and french bread?” his wife asked.

“Sure, no problem,” he said, then he turned to me and asked sheepishly, “Can we take your Jeep?”

Brianna Walker occasionally writes about the Farmer’s Fate for the Blue Mountain Eagle.