Farmer’s Fate: Look what the cat dragged in

Published 4:45 pm Saturday, August 13, 2022

Common as cornbread, old as dirt, funny as all get-out — homespun expressions that link to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the spirit and plainspoken humor of our ancestors and pioneers.

Many of these are in my regular vocabulary as my parents and grandparents oft quoted them. Others showcase wisdom descended from “Poor Richard’s Almanac” and others are just funny.

Here are some of my favorite axioms and adages — a collection of sayings “as big as all hell and half of Texas.”

Acceptable: It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. That’s close enough for government work. Might as well — can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.

Dishonest: He’s on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck. So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.

Honest: You can take that to the bank. He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone. You can hang your hat on that.

Angry: She could start a fight in an empty house. Mad as a mule chewing bumblebees

Timid: He’s yellow as mustard but without the bite.

Busy: He’s so busy you’d think he was twins. She’s jumping like hot grease on a skillet. Busy as a one-legged cat in a sandbox.

Unsophisticated: He’s so country he thinks a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.

Capable, Experienced: She’s got some snap in her garters. There’s no slack in his rope.

General Advice: Never sign nothing by neon light. Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased. If you cut your own firewood, it’ll warm you twice. Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line. Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Cheap: Tight as a tick. He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams. She has short arms and deep pockets.

Crazy: She’s one bubble off plumb. Missing a few buttons off his shirt.

Rich: She’s got more than she can say grace over. Rich enough to eat her laying hens.

Poor: Hasn’t got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. So poor their Sunday supper is fried water. Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.

Hot: Hot as the hubs of hell. So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Sad: Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.

Small, Thin: About as big as the little end of nothing. Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.

Tired: Looks like she’s been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on. One wheel down and the axle dragging.

Sick: He’s got a hitch in his gitalong. You’d have to get better to die.

Talkative: He could talk the gate off its hinges. He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast. She speaks 10 words a second, with gusts to 50.

Put-downs: Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while. Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.

Vain: He broke his arm patting himself on the back. I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’ll bring. She’s so spoiled salt couldn’t save her.

Dead: He gave up his guitar for a harp.

Unwelcome: As welcome as an outhouse breeze. As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.

Dumb: If a duck had his brain, it would fly north for the winter. If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea. If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. He don’t know a widget from a whangdoodle.

Confused: Confused as a goat on AstroTurf. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

Immoral, Wild: Loose as ashes in the wind. She’s found a new dasher for her churn. They ate supper before they said grace. They planted their crop before they built their fence. They’ve got a cotton-patch license.

Inept, Worthless: Couldn’t ride a nightmare without falling out of bed. Worthless as teats on a bull. Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles. About as useful as a trapdoor on a canoe

Distance: I won’t say it’s far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road. They lived so far out in the country that the sun set between their house and town. Two hoots and a holler away.

Lazy: He hangs out more often than Mama’s washing. He’s like a blister — he doesn’t show up till the work’s all done.

That about puts the rag on the bush — it’s time to swap spit and hit the road.