Brianna Walker

“Do you have any baggage with you today, sir?” the man behind the car rental desk asked.

“Just my mother-in-law,” my husband quipped, pointing his thumb in the direction of my mom.

The man’s eyes opened wide before he busted up laughing.

My mom fake-glared at my husband. “Guess you’re off my kidney donation list,” she retorted.

My family has always put the “pro” in “inappropriate.” If something shouldn’t be said, it will be be. If something should be avoided, it won’t be. If a straight face is required, we’ll smirk. We can’t even just smile for a family photo. We put on stupid glasses or eye patches, or just make funny expressions. Laughter just helps put everything in perspective.

Here’s some of this year’s Christmas “perspective.”

Collect moments, not things

We collected a lot of moments this Christmas during our gift exchange. One of the hinges on our toilet seat broke months ago, and for some unknown reason, no one bothered replacing it. One afternoon, I got the crazy idea to buy a replacement as a gift for my husband — after all, he’s terribly hard get presents for. But even I am not so terrible as to gift just a plain toilet seat.

With a little thought and a lot of snickering, the kids and I designed a decal for the lid. Beautifully scripted font and a toilet plunger that read, “It’s about to go down.” I was amused. Although I did feel a bit bad when I learned my oldest had purchased an impact driver and new exhaust for my husband’s snowmobile — and I’d got him a personalized toilet seat.

That feeling went away, though, when my husband came home one evening with a new toilet seat and asked me if I’d make some decals for it — he thought it would make a great gift for our youngest son. I laughed that we shared the same sense of humor, and was annoyed that my creative idea wasn’t as creative as I thought it was. Although a personalized toilet seat was nothing compared to the DIY bidet with a garden hose and a hand pump that my aunt gifted her husband! Apparently my whole family is pro at inappropriate!

People are 98% water, and if you don’t stir them up every once in a while, they stagnate

Which is why my husband couldn’t wait to give my mom her Christmas gift. A bright pink shirt with a piece of luggage covered in iconic traveling badges. “This Bag’s been Claimed!” the shirt read. She looked as if she couldn’t tell whether to laugh or throw the shirt at him. “At least it wasn’t unclaimed baggage,” someone teased, “or lonely old bag!”

“That’s for next year!” someone else piped up amid a chorus of laughter. We’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of that comment, and I don’t see the luggage falling apart at the next exit — so look out next year, because what goes around the luggage carousel usually comes back!

Don’t let someone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes

“Whoa! I’m not bright anymore!” my oldest said to a cacophony of ironic laughter. He had just turned off a flashlight boasting 18,000 lumens. I’ll admit that snowy days in our valley aren’t as sunny as the middle of summer, but that flashlight was so bright, it lit up the house — allowing me to see every hidden cobweb in the middle of the morning.

“I think that could start a fire, it’s so hot,” someone said as the light got passed around. “Definitely don’t look in it,” someone else said as the next person turned it on, blinding themselves. “You can check sheep from bed with that!” someone else piped up.

There was a lot of light shining this Christmas, with impressively bright flashilghts and even two headband lights with a lone red light off to the side, making the wearer look like Locutus of Borg. It was highly illogical, but I canna’ change the laws of genetics — resistance to the crazy is futile!

Life is short. Heels shouldn’t be!

One gift, though, really surprised me. My work boots had an unexpected breakdown this summer. The entire back split out and has been held together (inside and out) with Gorilla Tape — which, honestly, is doing a decent job. But it’s Christmas, and since the family did most of their shopping at the local feed store, I figured I’d find a new pair under the tree.

When a wrapped package landed in my lap, feeling like a shoebox, I wasn’t surprised — although I did think it a bit small for my typical style of boot. My husband has a history of getting “his and hers” work boots. My first pair of “hers” Muck boots came as a gift to help “his” Muck boots change pipe.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened the lid to find a bright red pair of not-practical high heels. I love heels, but our Christmas gifts are usually in the form of tax deductions! I smiled as I placed the box of red heels on top of the stack of my shoeboxes. If anyone ever goes looking for skeletons in our closet, they are going to find a pair of Muck boots, one broken-down, Gorilla Taped pair of work boots, a whole collection of really high heels, and just a little bit of in-law baggage!